Shakespeare in thirty seconds
by mileouttahell
Summary: What it sounds like- a humorous summary of Shakespeare plays. (New: Julius Caesar)
1. Romeo and Juliet

Romeo: My life sucks. I shall never love another woman again.  
Juliet: Hi.  
Romeo: Wow, she's hot. Let's get married.  
Tybalt: Romeo sucks. You suck, too, Mercutio. Let's fight.  
Mercutio: OK!  
Benvolio: Well, this sucks...  
Romeo: You suck Tybalt. And you killed my buddy. Let's fight.  
Tybalt: OK! Fine by me!  
Tybalt: *dies*  
Prince: Sorry, Romeo, butcha have to leave. Bye.  
Juliet: ...Well, this sucks. I think I'll fake my death. Gee, it's not unreliable to mail a letter to Romeo.  
Romeo: My girlfriend's dead. This sucks. *kills self*  
Juliet: This sucks. Romeo, couldn't you have waited two seconds longer?  
Romeo: No. This is Shakepeare.  
Juliet:... Oh. Well, in that case, I'll kill myself too.  
The end 


	2. Macbeth

Author's notes:  
Thanks for all the reviews. ^_^ If I get a chance, I'll go read King Lear, since I haven't read it. ^^; But I'm pretty busy.  
Also, no plagarism was intended. I feel bad that my ending sounded like someone else's, but I assure you it was unintentional. (And I hadn't heard of the Reduced Shakespeare Company- can you leave an address?) My possible explanation is that great minds think alike. ^^;  
  
And without further ado, onto Macbeth!  
  
Witches: Have some Prophecies.  
Macbeth: Cool. But I won't kill Duncan.  
Lady Macbeth: Dear, kill Duncan for me.  
Macbeth: OK! Watch me as I lose all morals I once had.  
Lady Macbeth: Oh! I am overcome with guilt! [kills self]  
Macduff: Die, Macbeth.  
Macbeth: You can't kill me. I can't be killed by any man born of a woman.  
Macduff: [kills Macbeth]  
Macbeth: Darn. [dies] 


	3. A Midsummer Night's Dream

A Midsummer Night's Dream  
  
All: We belong on Jerry Springer, due to our weird relationships.  
Main characters: We're all in love with the wrong people.  
[They all go into the forest.]  
Puck: I can fix this! [does so, after some humorous mistakes.]  
Act five: I bear no relation to the actual plot.  
The end 


	4. Hamlet

Hamlet (In the spirit of Book-a-Minute: http://rinkworks.com)  
  
[Everyone is CRAZY and DECEITFUL and they all end up DEAD.] 


	5. Othello

I'm working on all the ones that have been requested....honestly I am. ^^ It just takes me forever. King Lear's coming up sometime soon, and my mom bought me an anthology. So now I don't have to turn them into the library after two weeks...  
Anyway. Here's Othello.  
  
Othello: I love you, Desdemona  
Desdemona: I love you, Othello.  
Iago: [is jealous of Othello because he got the position he wanted, and is probably prejudiced, too.]  
Iago: Othello, Desdemona's cheating on you.  
Othello: She is? No she's not!  
Iago: Yes, she is. Ask her about the scarf that I saw Cassio with.  
Othello: Gasp! Choke! Die, Cassio!  
Cassio: Despite this threat, I will be pretty much the only character to survive.  
Othello: Die, Desdemona! [strangles her]  
Emilia: Wait a second! I'm going to do what someone should have done lone before act five! You suck, Iago!  
Othello: Now I feel guilty and see that my tragic flaw is that I'm gullibl- I mean, that I'm too trusting. [kills self]  
Iago: Isn't it ironic that I survive?  
  
Alternately, the "O" version:  
  
Hugo: Look at the pretty birds.  
Odin: I love you, Desdemona  
Desi: I love you, Othello.  
Hugo: I'm your best friend, Odin. I'll hug you a lot. Except I don't really mean any of it, since I'm plotting your death. Cause my dad likes you better. Anyway, Desi's cheating on you.  
Odin: Not funny, Hugo. ...Hey, how does the whole drug thing fit in, anyway  
Hugo: I've no idea. Anyway, you might want to ask Desi about the scarf. I think I saw Mike with it.  
Odin: Time to wreck some stuff in my righteous fury. Die, Mike.  
Mike:...The hell's going on, here?  
Odin: Die, Desi! [strangles her]  
Emily: What the hell did you do that for? Hey, Hugo, I'm going to wreck your plans.  
Hugo: [kills her]  
Odin: [cries a lot, yells at Hugo, then shoots himself]  
Hugo: I'm going to be a hawk, too. Even though I'm going to jail. 


	6. Julius Caesar

*sighs* I'm working on the others, really I am. I was able to do this one with a bit of reviewing since I've read it before. King Lear will be out sometime before I die and I'll do requests in the order that came in after that, but I may not survive long enough. (The Tempest and then Twelfth Night, and some of the others after that...)  
  
Sorry, more notes. This came out longer than some of the others since I was looking at it piece by piece instead of as a whole. I hope you still like it.  
  
Soothsayer: Caesar, beware the Ides of March, but first you'll have to figure out what they are.  
Caesar: Sure, it means you only have a month left to do your taxes.  
Cassius: Caesar wants to be king.  
Brutus: Really? That's bad.  
Casca: Boy, it sure is weird around here.  
Caesar: That's called pathetic fallacy. That's when nature reacts to what's happening in the play. It also means I'm about to die.  
Decius Brutus: Does anyone else find it annoying that I have the same name as the main character?  
Cassius: We better kill Antony, too.  
Brutus: Naaaah. He won't do anything without Caesar.  
Portia: You should tell me your secrets because I can stab myself in the leg without flinching.  
Brutus: Cool.  
Calpurnia: Stay. Watch the pathetic fallacy and don't go out today.  
Caesar: No.  
Calpurnia: Yes.  
Caesar: No. [leaves, and is promptly stabbed to death.] Oops. You too, Brutus?  
Antony: Caesar was cool. But Brutus knows best. Even though Caesar was really cool.  
[The masses are angered. They wreck lots of stuff and kill some innocent people, partly thanks to the name thing again.]  
Brutus: You suck, Cassius. If only I'd realized this before act four. But this is a tragedy. Sorry, I'm just grumpy because my wife killed herself.   
Cassius: Kill me.  
Pindarus: Yes sir. [does so]  
Brutus: OK, time for me to join the blood bath out of guilt. Or something. [kills self]  
Antony: Brutus was pretty cool. Even though he helped kill Caesar. 


End file.
